Excerpt from Making The Connections, p.12

Beverly Wildung Harrison

I believe that our world is on the verge of self-destruction and death because the society as a whole has so deeply neglected that which is most valuable and the most basic of all the works of love -- the work of human communication, of caring and nurturance, of tending the personal bonds of community....Those who have been taught to imagine themselves as world builders have been too busy with master plans to see that love's work is the deepening and extension of human relations. This urgent work of love is subtle but powerful. Through acts of love -- what Nelle Morton has called "hearing each other into speech" -- we literally build up the power of personhood in one another. It is within the power of human love to build up dignity and self-respect in each other or to tear each other down. We are better at the later than the former. However, literally through acts of love directed to us, we become self- respecting and other-regarding persons, and we cannot be one without the other....The power to receive and give love, or to withhold it -- that is, to withhold the gift of life -- is less dramatic, but every bit as awesome, as our technological power. It is a tender power....rooted in our bodies, ourselves.

Dr. David Schnarch, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist who runs the Marriage & Family Center in Evergreen, Colorado, speaks of the power of touch in his book Passionate Marriage:

"I'll never forget one time I did this demonstration: one student I chose was a more mature man who hadn't come to medical school straight from college. I was amazed watching him slowly and deliberately touch his "partner" (the other man was dying of embarrassment and homophobia). I said I'd never seen anyone successfully touch a "partner" in a decade of demonstrations. "It's taking all the willpower I have," said the student, who continued touching his partner as we talked.

Several days later this student ran down the hall to catch me as I was leaving my office. "Do you remember me?..." "Remember you? I'll never forget you!" "Well, I want you to know what's happened for me since your class. I started thinking about my five-year-old son. He's always complaining I'm too rough with him -- that I hurt him when we roughhouse. After the demonstration I realized I touch him roughly because I'm afraid of really feeling him and enjoying it. I've been afraid of turning him into a sissy --or making him gay--if he enjoys being touched by a man. All my life I've been afraid I was a latent homosexual. I realized that I'm playing out this fear with my son." He continued, "My son has always been wound up, hard to discipline--he was even diagnosed hyperactive. Well, after I thought about what happened in class, I touched him--not sexually, of course--but I just let myself feel him. That was a few days ago. My wife and I can hardly believe the change. My son is quiet...like someone drained the charge out of him! I just want to say thanks!"

Happy Valentine's Day. An intriguing cultural ritual -- Valentine's Day. The card, candy, jewelry, restaurant and wedding industry do well by it. Call in radio stations flourish with tribute after tribute. If you were in the Harford Mall yesterday you could get a free rose for your sweetheart. Special interest holidays keep the retail business humming. But what about the fall out? What about those who do not have that special someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with? What about the message we're sending to our youth, re-energizing the cultural imperative to be married, or in the very least coupled, in order to be a successfully happy person.

And how about those who do have a special someone, even a life partner, but are not able to be publicly happy about it? I could be talking about interfaith partnership in some parts of the nation, or about interracial coupling in other parts, but in practically any part of this country I could easily be referring to same sex couples.

So today I want to speak about a love that doesn't get mainstream affirmation, in fact one that generates a great deal of fear in society: homosexuality. I, too, believe as does Beverly Harrison, that love's work is the deepening and extension of human relations. If we are to speak of a justice centered world as Unitarian Universalists then we must deepen our acceptance and extend our affirmation to any form of mature love. For love heals brokenness and engenders joy -- the path toward protecting and cherishing life. Until we include the presence of gay, lesbian and bisexual love in that equation, we will not know the fullness of a compassionate world, nor be able to dismantle the walls of fear that divide us. If we allow any bigotry to grow, we allow all bigotries a chance to grow.

Homophobia is one of the more dangerous relational ills in society because it is the last prejudice that is still publicly condoned. Homosexuals are the only minority group in this culture which still suffers blatant and accepted institutional bias. Bias against homosexuals is still delineated in state law books, housing and company policies and religious creeds. You do not have to read between the lines or find the insidious loop holes of bigotry. Bias against homosexuals is frequently and clearly stated.

This is not to say that other oppressions do not afflict our society. Of course they do -- there are still institutionalized bigotries that are not officially condoned but very real. Justice has a long way to go. However, in many powerful circles homophobia is still not considered politically incorrect. Homophobia and heterosexism cross racial, religious, age and gender lines.

When we, our leaders and law books condone bias and fear, we invite hatred and violence. We invite an arbitrary sense of control, deeming one existence more worthy than another. This fosters a broken, dis-eased humanity, one which encourages distancing ourselves from one another, objectifying one another, even dehumanizing another with an implied license to hurt or kill. Let us not forget Matthew Shepherd, one of the more famous abused and murdered homosexuals: a 21 year old, brutally beaten and tied to a pole in the freezing cold -- left to die, which did not fully occur for six more days after he was found and brought to a hospital. The state of Wyoming, where this hate crime occurred last October, has, to this day, denied the expressed language of protecting homosexuals from hate crimes. Let us not forget that we, our society, prepares the ground for this kind of violence and we teach it to our future leaders.

A 1988 study done by the State of NY for the Governor's Task Force on Bias- Related Violence concluded that of all groups, "the most severe hostilities are directed at lesbians and gay men." It also showed that teenagers were reluctant to advocate open bias against racial and ethnic groups but they were overwhelmingly emphatic about disliking homosexual men and women. "They are perceived as legitimate targets which can be openly attacked" the report states....LEGITIMATE targets. In a survey of over 2800 students from 8th to 12th grade, 3/4's of boys and half of the girls said it would be bad to have a homosexual neighbor.

What happened to love your neighbor as yourself?....Apparently, it doesn't apply for homosexuals....that's what our youth are learning.

What's more, many students volunteered unsolicited vicious remarks about homosexuals. No other bias stricken group got such enthusiastic commentary. (NY Times July 10, 1990).

This kind of commentary follows through, as well, into action. People determined to harm homosexuals will seek to destroy their homes. They will travel to gathering places or communities, enlisting a perverse kind of pilgrimage to violate the rights and physical health of gays, lesbians, transgender and bisexual people.

Teaching hate comes to no good. Hate does not confine itself to specifics. It gains momentum anywhere it can to continually infest the heart of society.

Why, then, in an era when we are reaching out towards possibility of a global community, when we are addressing issues of hate and oppression, when we are more sensitized to the need to live in diversity...Why, then, is homosexuality so feared - so shunned -- nationally denied?

I believe it is simply because it forces a dialogue about our sexuality, something we are poorly equipped to do in this society and most parts of the world.

A couple of years ago, Bernice Johnson Reagan, the 'preaching sister' of the singing group Sweet Honey in the Rock, spoke at a concert about her recent visit to Africa. She described visiting villages where the population was gutted by the scourge of AIDS. "There were no people between ages 15 and 35," she said "they were all dead of AIDS, every last one of them." She went on to speak at length about how unequipped we are at talking openly about our sexual practices, that we needed to be more frank with our partners and more careful about ourselves. In the end, more respectful towards sex and how we interact with one another.

Now I know she wasn't talking about the titillation the media has tried to create around the President's sex scandal and his colossally inappropriate behavior, nor having explicit descriptions of his private illicit acts aired for anyone of any age to see on daytime network television. Nor for cigar sales to increase because of it....

What Bernice Johnson Reagan was talking about was the mature, responsible and reverent interchange that should occur between people interested in sexual relating, before the sex occurs. We must do this to save our lives.

That is why I am so proud of the Unitarian Universalist curriculum "About Your Sexuality", soon to be replaced by an updated version renamed "Our Whole Lives", where we intentionally create an environment for youth to talk and learn about sexuality so that they can make responsible, healthy choices about their bodies and lives. Marlene and Rob Lieb are giving quite a gift in facilitating this curriculum for the youth this year.

I would like to address the two boundaries in which homosexuality, a widely assumed "danger zone" of society, creates fear. The justifications against homosexuality are based on arguments of morality and heterosexuality. Let's look at these justifications.

The claim of morality is the most difficult to address. Morality, beyond the simple understanding of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you is highly subjective. It is ruled, most often, by mass mentality, backed by traditions and historical precedents, generated by those in power and those who write the history books.

The classic "documentation" of morality in this society is, of course, the Bible. Without playing the pick-your-passage-to prove-your-point game, let's go to the main arena, the most popular biblical "proof" used against homosexuals: Sodom and Gomorrah.

What happens in this passage? Two visiting angels come to Lot's house who convinces them to stay the night as his guests. The immoral townsmen catch wind of new blood in town and they come demanding the visitors be brought to them. They want to Biblically "know" the visitors. They want to forcibly rape the men.

Lot refuses and replies: "I beg you brothers, do not act so wickedly. Behold, I have two daughters who have not known man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under shelter of my roof." (Gen.19:7-9) Take my daughters....and do to them as you please...

The next day Lot (the father who sacrificed his daughters' sexuality), and apparently still a favorite of God's, escapes with his family from the destruction of so evil a town. Except of course Lot's wife, who, in a moment of regret and compassion forgets the warning not to look back from whence she came. She looks back toward the town she had lived and formed relationships in. She is instantly snuffed out and turned into a pillar of salt.

Is this a tract of wisdom which should direct a society seeking to know right from wrong? This woman says no. The common argument against fundamentalist interpretation is that this story is condemning homosexual rape (but apparently not heterosexual rape!) and is an illustration about the need for hospitality toward strangers, who may very well be angels in disguise.

I'm not interested in proving that today because most of us know that argument and it doesn't really address the problem -- it stagnates the argument in theo-babble. What interests me -- no, troubles me -- is what this story says and what we as a society choose to engender.

The insidious message of this story reigns no matter what rationality. Both the immoral message in regard to the treatment of women and the misinterpreted message about homosexuals.

Such morality generates the reality that 1.3 women are raped every minute in the United States. Such indoctrination creates the climate where 78% of these rapes are perpetrated by boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, spouses, neighbors and family members. Such an attitude leads to Domestic Violence as the leading cause of injury to women, causing more injuries than muggings, stranger rapes, and car accidents combined. "Take my daughters and do to them as you please..."

Yet society's moral horror is about homosexuality. Do we condemn heterosexuality because of such documented violation? No. Of course not. Does this add up? No. Of course not.

The challenge in addressing phobias is that they are irrational. No amount of logic or reasoning will help someone beset by fear and hatred to open their minds to other possibilities. Phobias by nature entrap a person in a false sense of security-- and often a false sense of danger- that will not be relinquished. Those who claim moral superiority need enemies to compare themselves to, they need targets of comparison to maintain the sense of superiority and protection from danger.

Homosexuality defies society's false assumption that it knows all there is to know about the depths and manifestations of sexual love. It has been argued that if society "allowed" homosexuality our species would die. We would stop procreating. It would follow that we must be bound by law to remain heterosexual. This phobia ignores our species' instinct to survive. I'm sometimes amazed at the arrogance that sometimes accompanies our fears.

Another argument, which I've heard spouted even in Unitarian Universalists circles, affirms that homosexuals are free to their own privacy, however they cannot be near our children, both because of an assumption of perversity and because the "homosexual lifestyle", a false characterization in itself, will influence the children toward that implied preference for homosexuality.

I'm sure most of you have heard about the revelation that Rev. Falwell has endorsed about a character on a Public Television Children's Program. Yes folks, "Tinky Winky", according to Rev. Falwell, is gay. Notice the purple color, the triangle on the top of its head, and he carries a 'purse'. More accurately, Mr. Winky has a magic bag, but let's not quibble....

Either Mr. Falwell needs a bit of sensationalist publicity or he is terrified that he's gay...Or perhaps he's on to something, cause you know, I happened to see a portion of the Teletubby's program the other day and parents....Tinky Winky and Po (the smallest of the four) decided that they would hold hands. What's going to happen to Po????.

According to the Dept. of Social Services 90-95% of all child molestation and sexual abuse is perpetrated by heterosexuals. More often than not the predator is a relative. Do we say that heterosexuals should not be near our children because they are statistically more prone to molestation? NO. Do we say that heterosexuals should not raise their own children because of their statistical propensity to violate them? NO.

Sexuality is one of the most sacred expressions of our life spirit. It is an affirmation of the power of love and interdependence. It is the giving of oneself to another to engage in the mutual power of union and the deep and abiding joy that can come from such a gift. Sexuality honors life, it can open the window to our souls and give us a sense of what we can be within ourselves and for one another.

Any sexual act that violates another is a deep moral crime. It shakes the foundation of society. I believe sexual violation is the most devastating spiritual wound possible. It denies another the fundamental freedom to be. It damages basic trust....a hard road to rebuild. It is understandable that protection, especially for children, is of utmost concern and should remain so. But we must also protect our children from irrational fear and bigotry. We must also protect our children from destructive denial and demonization of the body. We must also protect our children from repressing expression of their full selves, else the repression will emerge in violence, addictions, emotional disturbance and lousy life decisions....and that is the hardest challenge.

Finally, the most devastating rationalization to hate homosexuals has been AIDS. AIDS provided a perfect opportunity for homophobics to "prove" their hatred was real, even sanctioned by God. Rev. Falwell was one of the louder voices: "You break all of his laws," Falwell said, "and God Almighty will judge you."

The outbreak of AIDS demonstrated many layers of bigotry. For years AIDS was spreading in Africa and Haiti, in places unimportant to our "national interest", due to economics and racism. We are very practiced at turning our backs on such situations. Then for the first 5 to 6 years of the outbreak in the United States, people of power, influence and money ignored the cry of epidemic. FIVE TO SIX YEARS. Primarily gay men were dying -- that was of little political concern. It was even considered to some a blessing in disguise. "Let the gay men die, assist God in "his" work".

It was not until 25,000 people, men and women, died (and thousands more infected) that the then President Reagan made his first mention of AIDS in a speech. According to the World Health Organization, 40 million people will have been infected by the HIV virus by the year 2000. Forty million men, women and children of all persuasions, economic strata, cultures, and creeds. If you have not been touched by AIDS, either through friends, family, or the loss of an admired celebrity -- you will. That's guaranteed, and that's one of the legacies of racism and homophobia.

And yet I know we can survive. Because phobias have the same make up as faith -- they both go beyond reason -- one restricts life possibility and the other expands its affirmation. As faith stems from the courage to love, homophobia can be healed through love. It will not be easy, nor fast. We know this in observing all the other oppressions. But person by person, opening one's heart to understand and embrace another strips away the false sense of danger and brings a person closer to embracing all life. We must start with who we know and share our stories, so that step by step, familiarity leads to acceptance. Eventually, as fear of difference unravels, a greater sense of the larger truth will be known in community.

Sometimes when I have preached on homophobia before in Unitarian Universalist churches a discussion group has followed the service. The reactions and comments run the gamut of acceptance. Some feel I'm preaching on an issue that is no longer relevant while others are appalled that I insist on the inherent dignity of gays and lesbians. People clearly get new views of each other, through the discussion of a subject often "left well enough alone".

Many still believe that homosexuals should not be able to "influence their children"...These are Unitarian Universalists...an attitude far more pervasive than you may realize.

After that point was continually made at one such discussion, a visitor stood up. He identified himself as a homosexual...the silence in the room was poetry...He then told us that when he came out to his family, they forbade him to come to Thanksgiving dinner for fear that he would adversely influence his nieces and nephews. He said that as far as he knew, he was the only gay relative amidst the immediate family. He pointed out to the congregation that the children in question had heterosexual parents, heterosexual grandparents, heterosexual aunts and uncles, but for some ungodly reason they thought the one gay uncle would irreparably direct the children toward some imagined deviance.

Then he began to cry, this brave visitor. He said that he went to Thanksgiving dinner only because his mother could not reject him. His mother, uncomfortable with his lifestyle and unable to understand his way of life, still could not turn her son out. That love conquered her fear. The family is tentatively reforming trust.

"It is within the power of human love to build up dignity and self-respect in each other or to tear each other down." (Beverly Harrison) We must remember the power we each have to expand the possibilities of healing love.

A mother is standing with the gay lover of her newly dead son. She tells the lover she could never understand the kind of life her son had led. "A tragic lack of imagination on my part," she says as she sees the shared pain in the eyes of the lover over the loss of her son.

May we all be open to the myriad of possibilities in our relationships. And may we as Unitarian Universalists help expand the possibilities of a fullness of justice and compassion as yet unknown by claiming the dignity of all peoples and the right and responsibility of the freedom to be.

This I pray. Amen.

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