When In Doubt, Be Kind

I had thought about offering a different style of meditation this morning, but opted, instead, to describe it to you:

We settle into our usual time of meditation and prayer, after people in this gathering have opened heart and mind in testimony and witness during the candles of sharing...a few words of prayer are said before settling into a silence...(pick up mock cell phone, hit dial button) Hey Arnold, are we still on for this afternoon? ...I'm in church, it's ok they're meditating, I have a minute... Why don't we try Italian Sensation? I know most of the people will like that... oh no, you didn't invite him did you? ...alright, well we'll have to talk about that issue with the schools then, you know...alright...alright...anyhow I gotta go, seeya.... Amen.

Cell phones. A marvelous innovation in the case of emergencies and far distant places, but a growing threat to any possibility of common courtesy and civility in society. I remember when I was first aware of cell phones. I was at an airport and folk were disembarking. It was before the security changes, so I was at the gate waiting for a friend. Eighty percent of the people walking off the plane clutched their cell phone to talk to someone who was not in front of them, ignoring those who were sharing the space with them, acknowledging others' existence only as obstacles to dodge.

As a person who likes to people watch and interact, I realized then that the idea of city or happenstance community was forever changed. The possibility for surprise encounters or momentary eye contact, an expression of recognition or shared experience in the mundane had greatly diminished. Now being in a public place with a random group of people who had all made choices that landed them in that place at that time was an experience that we could opt out of. We can just get on our cell phones and contact someone familiar and put our focus on a place other than the one our bodies are in.

Now, the illusion of controlling our environments and our contacts and our conversations are given reinforcement by little machines that send out electromagnetic signals to help us not be where we are. Sharing spontaneity and the traffic of exchange becomes an option that many people choose to forgo.

We don't have to be bored, we can call someone. Get that instant gratification that we now expect. We don't have to talk to strangers or use our imagination to make where we are work—we can ask the person on the phone where they are, or seek familiar stimuli by the touch of a dial. We're walking past people, sights, sounds, and opportunities for deeper learning by tethering ourselves to these must-haves of the information age.

I do not mean to say that cell phones are all bad. They are a godsend in emergencies and can be a treasure at times of deep loneliness or isolation. But nine times out of ten, cell phone conversations are not a matter of urgency.

I find myself wanting to say "be here now!" But it's not up to me how others choose to live their lives. I simply miss humanity, hidden behind information technology that encourages us to travel in little bubbles of enterprise that tell us all that really matters is what is going on in our lives.

I understand the feeling of importance and security that comes with a constant cell phone. In film production, I loved my walkie-talkie. I felt powerful and in the know, connected to what was happening. It was my job to be tethered to the filming wherever I went. It was my job to serve by way of walkie-talkie.

Some people are servants to their cell phones. When the phones become more important than what we are directly experiencing, they begin to own us rather than the other way round. It is then that we begin to lose the concept of civil behavior. It is then that we stop practicing genuine interchange.

I was in Weiss food market the other day, paying my bill when a loud voice compelled both me and the cashier to turn our heads. It was the next woman in line, deep in conversation on a cell phone with an earpiece and the unit clipped to her belt. The cashier and I exchanged glances and hovered for a moment in incredulity.

A few weeks before was the first time I had witnessed a person talking on the cell phone the entire time she was checking out her groceries. The cashier was scanning the food while the caller unloaded her groceries, never once looking in the cashiers eyes, nor even acknowledging her presence and carrying on a conversation for all to hear. I was loading my groceries in the cart dumbfounded, noticing the body language of the cashier that was communicating deep fatigue and discomfort. I was feeling awkward and frustrated at having to listen to a private conversation: a) it's impolite to listen in on someone else's conversation, and b) I don't need any more information about someone else's life in my head, especially if I'm not included in the conversation.

So this time, as the cashier and I paused for a moment of incredulity, I decided to linger a bit and strike up a conversation as she finished loading my bags. "What are your plans for the new year?" I ask. We exchange niceties as I occupy her time while the cell phone shopper finishes off-loading her groceries. As I leave the cashier looks at me and says, "I hate it when people talk on their cell phones at check-out." "I understand," I say and move on, knowing that that little bit of interchange will get her through the next onslaught of disregard.

"A human moment occurs," offers Edward Hallowell, "anytime two or more people are together, paying attention to one another." (Choosing Civility,p. 35)

It is in kindness that we recognize each other. A moment's exchange that acknowledges the humility of being in all this together can calm loneliness and give hope to go on for everyone involved in the exchange. It can also quell anger. Choosing kindness rather than malice is a conscious endeavor to stop the negativity that invades our ways and walking. It models other ways of being. It sends better bio-chemical messages within our own bodies as well.

Anyone who commutes can see that there is a growing lack of understanding that we are all in this together. That indeed we need to help each other and be aware of each other in our journeys. We ignore the blessed fact that in order for us each to reach our destinations or goals we must rely on others—we must create a harmony of movement and communication so that, to the best of our abilities, we all get to where we're going. This, of course, is not only true on the road, but at our jobs, within our communities and in our homes. This takes, to a large part, a sensitivity to the art of civility.

Stephen Carter defines civility as "the set of sacrifices we make for the sake of our common journey with others, and out of love and respect for the very idea that there are others." If you refer to the Latin roots of the word "civility," it means "the art of government." In other words, how do we manage our being together? Do we make it a thing of beauty or a problem to overcome? Do we aspire for grace in our togetherness or do we simply bump into each other when we can't avoid it and avoid it as much as possible?

"There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior," wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us."

It seems most times on the whole, we are in a hurry, we demand our own convenience, we have a more important life than anyone else, we behave as if others are in our way or too much effort. We don't have the time for generous interchange or we've come to a crisis of courage and fear allowing anything new or vulnerable into our barely manageable lives.

"If you are not tense," someone said on a radio interview the other day, "you are not paying attention."

No...NO!...if you are not in awe of creation you are not paying attention. If we are tense, we are letting something other than the glory and gift of life to rule our days.

Have you seen the commercial that's been running for some time now, of the GQ style of young man looking sincerely and knowingly into the camera when saying something in the neighborhood of "Sure I feel stress, it's the way of the modern world. That's why I use...xyz...to get me through the day." His stance and look and posture tell us that to be beautiful and successful, you have stress. Join us. Don't fight it. Medicate it.

Of course there is stress and tension and true nervous disorders in our lives that need medical attention. But these conditions are not meant to become daily routine. If debilitating stress is a part of our daily routine, then something is wrong. It's not sexy. It's unhealthy. And it certainly need not be the hallmark of modern day living.

When we reach the end of day, keeping up with our stressful lives and our constant contacts and our lack of silence and our need for instant results, where's the energy to feel the awe of creation? It's not going to be there. When we've given ourselves over to the tension god, where's our strength to love life? It's been depleted, sacrificed to the stresses of the day.

Confucius, ancient Chinese philosopher, believed that the achievement of peace and harmony towards others is the natural drive of the human heart. Confucianism, an ancient moral and religious system of China, is based on the practice of jen, the sense of humanity revolving around gentleness and refinement of spirit.

In Book XII of the Analects of Confucius, written over 2300 years ago, a disciple asks about "Goodness." It reads: "The Master said, Behave when away from home as though you were in the presence of an important guest. Deal with the common people as though you were officiating at an important (sacrifice) religious ritual. Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no feelings of opposition to you, whether it is the affairs of a State that you are handling or the affairs of a Family."

"Do not do to others what you would not like yourself" keeps coming up in philosophical and religious reasoning throughout human time and in every part of the world. Treat each other with respect, as if they were you, know that connection. Be a self-respecting and other-regarding civilian. It leads to harmony.

Confucius insisted that ritual was an essential part of harmonious living...regular intentional times to pay homage and offer gifts, to feel awe and humility, to praise worth and honor responsibility. This is part of the study, practice and witness of the art of civility.

"There is a proven way to keep the hurt that comes from relationships to a minimum," Forni reminds us, "and that is by training ourselves to become good at being with others." (Choosing Civility, p.19)

I have found civility something that helps me feel hope. When I am less than centered or feeling a bit down or discouraged, I find interacting as a helpful citizen actually uplifting. It could mean taking time to open a door, or talk to a toll operator, or let someone with less groceries go in front of me. I find it calming to allow another to turn onto the main road when it is clear that that person needs someone to provide an opening. I don't always do it, but when I do, it actually benefits me. It reminds me there is room enough for kindness most of the time. It helps me get a sense, once again, that the world I struggle with is not the only world there is and that by welcoming another's passage, even for a moment, into my field of perception, I am reminded of possibility beyond my present knowing.

If I'm rushed and crazed, I find less ability to do that, but if I discipline myself even then to regard another while respecting myself, I become less wrapped up in whatever drama I have created.

Remember that wonderful roadside quote: "If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you're overdressed."

There have been times when the kindness of others has come to my aid at just the right moment. I then remember how someone else's choice to regard me favorably helps me get through the day. The best way to return the favor is to pass it on to someone new, because kindness is its own reward, being acknowledged for one's civility is pleasant and affirming but it is not the point of the kindness. Generating an energy and a consciousness of generosity is the point. From there springs abundance, room enough to feel awe in creation and empowered to manifest praise of life.

If your daily lists of to do's imprison you and leave no room for civil behavior, which does take time, or self respect which needs to be nurtured, then scrub the list and start again. Youll have to give something up. At the very least, you'll have to change some of your expectations.

"Through their ceaseless but gentle energy," reads a commentary within the I Ching, "the wind and roots penetrate the most obdurate objects. Just as roots penetrate the cracks of boulders and break them apart, the influence of the Sage (or Wisdom) penetrates our subconscious until one day, in a flash of insight, we understand with amazing clarity." (A Guide to the I Ching, by Carol K. Anthony)

Confucius stressed morality during an unsettling time of war and tyranny. He recommended gentleness to counter greed, kindness to overcome vulgarity, and respect to conquer self-indulgence. We face these same challenges today.

It comes down simply to this: what do we want out of our lives and what do we manifest in the living of them? If our lives are generally getting longer, why do we seek instant gratification? If our technology gives us more time, why do we fill it with more things to do and so less time to relish what we or others have done? And if we decide that the way to our happiness is to ignore anyone else's needs in the pursuing, who, then, will we celebrate with once we arrive at our success?

Let the counsel of kindness be in our civil behavior. Let the welcome of genuine encounter guide the drama of our days. And with that generosity of spirit will come beauty, awe, joy, gentility and love. So may it be. Amen.