Tough and Tender Love

Happy Mother's Day. A day of great ambivalence. Guilt, love, gratitude, pain, resentment, humility, anger, devotion, connection, confusion, envy, joy. Mother's Day. A reminder by card companies and merchants to take active notice of our mothers. A bit of cultural wisdom to honor an essential connection we all have -- we all share -- in infinite form.

One of the hardest yearly exercises for countless people is finding the right mother's day card. Either they're too sappy and sentimental, amounting to nothing real or personal, or they're too sarcastic, irreverent...appealing to our need to be the victim.... Some years one gets by with a simple "Happy Mother's Day" inscription, other years it seems more needs to be said. And receiving mother's day cards is not much easier, knowing that all you want could never be said in a card and the often nagging critic inside that says you are not worthy of whatever admiration given....this is the same inner critic that is appalled at how little mothers actually ever knew, how much guess work this parenting thing really is.

In order to celebrate motherhood, we must be intentional about celebrating life and about honoring that which gave us life. And yes I do intend all the layers of meaning in that statement, some I'm aware of and others I know not of. Mothers Day, if it has any substance beyond Hallmark sentimentalities, is about paying tribute to this whole enterprise of human being: being born of others and navigating an individuality from that beginning. Our biological moms, after all, were intimately involved in the first months of our forming and those who parent us, whether out of obligation or calling are intricately involved in our relating to this world. Adoptive moms and children have an extra layer of webbing to navigate, a network of moms known and unknown yet part of the family's fiber.

There are as many different relational stories of mother and child in this room as there are people in this room. Of course it is hard to find the right phrase in a greeting card to describe one's personal journey. One of the major blocks to authentic expression is the misconception, by child and parent alike, that we are required to love our parents and that our parents are required to love us. That's the aspiration, that's the brass ring, but it is not the requirement, nor is there a mold of love we all must fit into. Now I know for some of us in this room, that's a great relief, for others it'll cause a bit of panic....I'm unravelling a paradigm...stick with me. There's a happy ending.

The requirement in most world religions is not to love our parents, but to honor them. If love flourishes, or even has presence, we are more deeply blessed, but all that is necessary for well being is to honor our mother and father.

To honor, to hold in respect. To invite a feeling of profound awe and regard which often leads to love. This is not so that parents can have power over the child, but so that the child learns devotion outside of oneself and walks out into the world a distinct individual yet connected deeply with the evolution of generations. This does not mean allowing inappropriate behavior or abuse, or claiming loyalty when actions are immoral, but it does mean to step out of one's own ego enough to respect the parent's journey, to realize the efforts and life energy that were devoted, no matter how problematic, to one's becoming. And sometimes learning how not to be is the greatest gift a parent can give you.

"Three elderly women are sitting on a bench in Miami Beach," writes Rabbi Joseph Telushkin sharing an anecdote, "each bragging how devoted her son is to her." The first one says, "My son is so devoted that for my birthday last year he gave me an all-expenses-paid cruise around the world." The second says, "That's nothing. My son is more devoted. For my birthday last year, he catered a large affair for me, and even gave me the money to fly down all my closest friends from New York," The third woman says, "My son is the most devoted. Three times a week he goes to a psychiatrist. A hundred and thirty dollars an hour he pays him. And what does he speak about the whole time? ME"

(When I beheld Nick and my first born I had a notion to set aside two accounts for the child: one for college and one for therapy to cover all the mistakes I am bound to make. Hopefully it won't be the same mistakes my parents made, but inevitably it will be a whole host of new mistakes as yet unknown.....being lovable does not mean being perfect....)

In Jewish Law you are commanded to love your God and to love your neighbor as yourself. There is no command to love your parents. In Christianity you are even called to love your enemy.....but not necessarily your parents (unless of course they are your enemy...and then, of course years of therapy....).

We are blessed with life, and if we honor that life and its source, we are further blessed when that honor blossoms into the ability to love. We have a chance to exercise our ability to love within the family. For it is in the choosing to love that life is ultimately affirmed. For some of us that is easy, for others of us, it is not, however, that is where the essence of joy abounds, to freely and fully love one's life, how it came about and how it journeys through. And each one of us is capable, is genetically wired, to welcome that loving perspective into our lives. Again, for some it is right around the corner, for others, it requires courageous work to enter into that vulnerability.

The value system of affirmation in Unitarian Universalism is a system that puts its priorities on mutuality, support, nurture, commitment and acceptance of one other as we grow and change. Its strength is found in empowering relationship with a vision toward justice.

Justice-centered communities are communities that provide a openness to learning, teaching, giving and receiving. These are communities that accept people wherever they are in their lives and help them move that next step toward authenticity. It is a deep and abiding belief in inherent dignity. These communities value each member while understanding the greater strength of the whole, supporting phases of doubt, loss, elation, success, brokenness and confusion . It honors a wisdom that far surpasses individual knowing. A wisdom that regards each being as equally worthy.

The healing power of such communities is first learned or damaged in the family of origin. Our imperfections are not publicly affirmed and so we put on masks of competence that often break at home. There is a disturbing amount of substance abuse and emotional and physical violation behind the closed doors of family homes. Sometimes the family is not a haven for learning of our true goodness but rather a prison or minefield where our loved ones, and perhaps ourselves, lose the sense of the dignity of our lives and hurt each other. And sometimes we carry the memory of those households into the new ones we create, unable to break the cycle of dysfunction.

Mothers are still the assumed family life managers, carrying a load, sometimes in isolation, with little help from a society that still honors the marketplace over nurturing one's child.. Awards are given to people who exceed a quota, or beat a record or acquire a company. But what of the mothers who manage to be more centered than their role models, who juggle extraordinary circumstances, who make their mothers proud. What of those acclamations? In the work a day word of commerce, they are non-existent.

With the help of Freud, blaming mothers is still the order of the day. On the average, we can still get away with avoiding our own emotional growth by being victims of our mother's imperfections. Our relationships with our mothers are, more often than not, complicated, messy, enormously important and vulnerable. And some mothers have and will make awful choices. But the amount of power we give our mothers is ultimately our choice. Can we be honorable ? Can we be compassionate? Can we forgive and not forget? Can we embrace our beginnings?

Because this is the work, the life long work of loving. The lifelong work of affirming that life is worth living.

We do not always find the value of family within our families of origin. And all of us make mistakes, can be misguided or lost. We are fortunate when we do have a nourishing family and we must all strive as relatives to create a safe, comforting, affirming environment. But those environments are not always available for a variety of economic, circumstantial, emotional or psychological reasons.

It must be remembered that there are, as well, many survivors of abuses who know that their task is to stop the destructive behavior -- to create a new pattern which will fill the world with that much more love, that much more faith, that much more trust in the potential for goodness and peace.

It must also be remembered that we always have room for improvement and can ever deepen our understanding and capability to find and form the family we know we are capable of sharing. That is part of the work we do here, risking mutuality toward a better world.

That kind of work takes courage, courage that needs to be affirmed, courage that values families and parenthood. A courage that believes in dignity of life within the struggles and doubts and fears -- not against them. A courage that stands for self improvement with others -- not self aggrandizement at the expense of others.

James Fowler once stated that in faith "we are concerned with how to put our lives together and with what will make our life worth loving." The faith discipline known in valuing the family, finding ourselves and each other worth loving, helps us find lives worth living.

What are some of the common blocks to celebrating our mothers? I'm not going to go into the mysogany that remains in this culture, but some of the common emotional blocks....She was never there for me, all she cares about is herself -- why did she stay with that man, why didn't she stop that man -- she loves my siblings more than me -- She doesn't see me -- I could never please her.....you know these and many more states of relationship.

How do we work beyond this? Both as children of mothers or as mothers of children? Exercise your gratitude. Yep, count your blessings. Exercising your gratitude brings Grace into awareness. And grace is what fuels compassion, forgiveness, wisdom and ultimately love of life. There is Grace in this room, there is Grace in each of us. This focus will be harder for some than for others this day. For on this day, as on any Sunday, in this gathering filled with Grace, there are also energies present of loss, anger, confusion, sadness, resistance and cynical resolve. But each and every one of us is capable of remembering what it is that makes life worth living. That's one opportunity that this gathering gives every week, the chance to share what we have found about the meaning of our lives, the chance to be encouraged to nurture our best selves, the chance to be comforted when life energy is low and hope is hard to come by.

Gratitude helps us see how to live this life to its fullest -- how to cherish our time and choose our living well. Gratitude will help us find what we need to flourish and sustain our lives. And amazingly enough, it is less than we think. Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we imagine.

Risking gratitude takes honesty and self assessment, finding root causes and releasing that which does not allow for healthy growth. Finding gratitude means getting rid of that which blocks our ability to be thankful. Just don't go there. This often means letting go of comfortable habits, or a stuck feeling, or unreasonable expectations. And the work of gratitude may also mean a number of barren months, even years, before the blessing of that person, situation or circumstance is understood. I'm not talking about denial, I'm talking about transcendence with humility and a sense of the greater dignity within us all.

But the good news is: it is not all up to us. We are a part of a miracle larger and wider than any effort we as individuals could possibly make. The nourishment that goes into our lives often comes from life's grace, it's ability to sustain itself, it's ability to proclaim, through times of wonder, its splendor, its magnificence. When we harvest crops, we know that we could not have constructed the life which springs forth. When we harvest gratitude, we know that there is far more to be thankful for than our cynicism and negativism could ever contradict.

The good news is: no matter where you are in life, no matter what you have, there is a blessing inherent in your being, the blessing of life. And that blessing can be found again and again if only we discipline ourselves to acknowledge it. There is always life affirming itself in every moment, just as there is death creating new beginnings. And at the very least, the womb in which you first were formed, the parents who first held your vulnerable, dependent beings, are a part of the life you have been given. Your mother provided the gateway to this extraordinary gift called "life".

And we have each other. We have each other to call us to account and remind us that we reap what we sow. We see in our communities that our efforts have consequences and that we must support and nourish that which helps sustain us.

We cannot overcome all that feels wrong in our lives on our own, nor does simply acknowledging blessing take away all burdens. We can, however, train ourselves to welcome the strength and courage found in embracing the miracle of life as our own, using the wisdom of honest affirmation as our guide.

And take a moment today, if you can, take one if you even think you can't. To honor the womb from which you came, to embrace your mother or network of mothers who helped you navigate your being. Give them a break. Embrace them. Let them be. Honor their place in your life and claim your ground of being. Happy Mothers Day.