In the nine years Nick and I have been together, we have moved six times. Each move meant a different kind of commute for each of us, from a mile's walk to hour long commutes on city streets and highways, through toll booths and over bridges. Driving conditions has been a frequent topic of conversation at the dinner table. Here are some of our observations over the years:

-- On the average, people won't merge when they're supposed to, or let you merge when you need to. The concept of taking turns or making room has become who can get there first, squeeze through best, and be the most aggressive.

-- "Merging" does occur, however, when it shouldn't, as on highways when one is driving a reasonable distance from the next car. Inevitably a dangerously short term thinker will squeeze in between the necessary space between cars, creating a hazardous distance between fast moving vehicles.

-- And how about driving in the breakdown lane when traffic is backed up? Apparently those drivers deserve to get to that exit or toll booth or through that traffic jam before you. Barring emergencies, I don't agree...

-- Then there's the lovely moment when a driver pulls out in front of you without signaling, or turns suddenly, without signaling, or squeezes into your lane, without signaling forcing you to break and hope you are not being tailgated. Have you noticed that turn signals in general are becoming mysteriously obsolete? I've caught myself forgetting they exist.

-- And what about this obsession with passing? You're exiting and the person behind you speeds up just to get in front of you to exit first. You're entering a highway and the person behind you merges over the solid line in a mad rush to pass you to get onto the highway before you. Someone speeds ahead to pass you, gets in front of you, only to resume a pace slower than you were going. What are we rushing towards or away from?

-- And the tailgating...this is a Maryland special.... I finally had to ask if the two second rule is taught here. You know, be at least two seconds behind the car in front of you. And it's catching. I find myself at times driving too close to the car in front of me. I would be willing to bet there are far more multiple car accidents and rear ended bumps than average here. More often than not I've come to let the person pass me because tailgating is very dangerous, especially in deer country...we need room to suddenly stop.

It seems most times on the whole, we are in a hurry, we demand our own convenience, we have a more important life than anyone else, we behave as if others are in their way. It seems that courtesy is more often seen as an opportunity for the other to take advantage than a gift to be passed on to another at the next possible moment. The once basic moral assumption to do unto others as you would have them do unto you is transforming to "get the other first before they get you".

This cynicism and estrangement is fostered in the media, given justification in politics and value in modern day celebrity. Consider the amount of celebrities there are today whose only claim to fame is that they were ruthless enough, self motivated enough, to be ridiculously rich.

And as we've seen, the road toward riches is becoming increasingly the only focus, with prime time game shows that have now entered the realm of covenant with the perverse display of parading women to marry a multimillionaire.

One friend relayed some predictions of future shows: "Who wants to eat a live ferret for a million bucks?" "Who wants to impregnate this woman for a million bucks?"....are we far from there? No we are not. And I hope enough of us stay sufficiently awake before we find ourselves in a world with little regard for life or interest in its inherent worth.

Why are we so confounded by the rise in violence amongst youth? Are we teaching the next generation to cherish each other, honor the earth and praise natural beauty -- the kind within all life -- not the kind that the market will bear?

Our deteriorating driving etiquette is a sign of the growing lack of understanding that we are all in this together. That indeed we need to help each other and honor each other in our journeys. It also becomes obvious that in order for us each to reach our destinations or goals we must rely on others -- we must create a harmony of movement and communication so that, to the best of our abilities, we get there. This, of course, is not only true on the road, but at our jobs, within our communities and in our homes. This takes, to a large part, a sensitivity to the art of civility.

Stephen Carter defines civility as "the set of sacrifices we make for the sake of our common journey with others, and out of love and respect for the very idea that there are others." If you refer to the Latin roots of the word "civility", it means "the art of government". In other words, how do we manage our being together? Do we make it a thing of beauty or a problem to overcome? Do we aspire for grace in our togetherness or crude interchange?

Confucius, ancient Chinese philosopher, believed that the achievement of peace and harmony towards others is the natural drive of the human heart. Confucianism, an ancient moral and religious system of China, is based on the practice of jen&emdash; the sense of humanity revolving around gentleness and refinement of spirit.

In Book XII of the Analects of Confucius, written over 2300 years ago, a disciple asks about "Goodness". It reads: "The Master said, Behave when away from home as though you were in the presence of an important guest. Deal with the common people as though you were officiating at an important (sacrifice) religious ritual. Do not do to others what you would not like yourself. Then there will be no feelings of opposition to you, whether it is the affairs of a State that you are handling or the affairs of a Family."

"Do not do to others what you would not like yourself"...keeps coming up in philosophical and religious reasoning doesn't it?... throughout human time and in every part of the world. Treat each other with respect, as if they were you, know that connection. It leads to harmony.

Art can be defined as skill that is attained by study, practice, or observation. It is skill arising from the exercise of intuitive faculties. Art is also known as the human effort to imitate, supplement, alter, or counteract the work of nature....to be in dialogue with nature.

Civility is an art becomes it only comes naturally when we study it, practice it and observe it. It can come naturally, as well, when we tune into our first and seventh principles...the inherent worth and dignity of every human being and respect for the interdependent web of which we are a part.

Civility can just as easily be lost. The old adage, if you don't use it you lose it applies here. Civility can be lost if we decide money is more important than people. Civility can be lost if we neglect to nurture our respect for life.

Confucius insisted that ritual was an essential part of harmonious living....regular intentional times to pay homage and offer gifts, to feel awe and humility, to praise worth and honor responsibility. This is part of the study, practice and witness of the art of civility.

Civility can also be lost if we cherish competition more than cooperation or if we thirst for quick fixes, fast breaks, and easy answers over our desire to truly know the sacred pulse of our lives. And civility will be completely gone when the only definition of success is better profits...having the most things when you die...rather than a sense of deeper meaning in our lives.

It was pointed by a colleague of mine recently that on the average, we are in the midst of more people in the span of a week than a 17th century villager encountered in a lifetime. Perhaps expectations of civil behavior were easier to fulfill when we had fewer people and fewer surprises to manage.

Mary Pipher in her book, The Shelter of Each Other, shared similar thoughts: "American values concerning independence may have worked better when we lived in small communities surrounded by endless space....We have pushed the concept of individual rights to the limits. Our laws let adults sell children harmful products. But laws are not our main problem. People have always been governed more by community values than by laws....Unwritten rules of civility-- for taking turns, not cutting in lines, holding doors open for others and lowering our voices in theaters-- organize civic life. Unfortunately, those rules of civility seem to be crumbling in America. We are becoming a nation of people who get angry when anyone gets in our way."

There it is again. That thing we can see in the way we journey with one another in our isolated vehicles. That growing ethic to get others out of our way, that out of control reasoning that our immediate needs are all that really matter no matter what it means to anyone else's journey.

I have found civility something that helps me feel hope. When I am less than centered or feeling a bit down or discouraged, I find opening the door for someone else who needs it actually uplifting. I find allowing another to turn onto the main road when it is clear that that person needs someone to provide an opening calming. I don't always do it, but when I do it actually affirms me.

Confucius stressed morality in an unsettling time of war and tyranny. He recommended gentleness to counter greed, kindness to overcome vulgarity and respect to conquer self-indulgence. This is a voice that has survived 24 centuries. It hasn't convinced us into a higher plane of living, but then again, with all our mistakes and vulgarities, it was voice enough, echoed again and again throughout the centuries to keep us alive. That's not a guarantee, however, for our future and that's why we need to find each other as we have here to encourage our better selves to emerge.

It comes down simply to this: what do want out of our lives and what do we owe in the living of them? If our lives are generally getting longer, why do we seek instant gratification? If our technology gives us more time why do we fill it with more things to do and so less time to relish what we have done? And if we decide that the way to our happiness is to ignore anyone else's needs in the pursuing, who, then, will we celebrate with once we've achieved it?

What do we want of our lives and what do we owe in the living of them? My hope is that your answer includes beauty, awe, joy, kindness and love. This I pray. Amen.

Sermon Archive

Home Page